Lady in Waiting

Restless
Unfulfilled
Wanting
Dreaming
Wondering
Wishing
How long?
Where?
When?
Will it happen?
Complacent for now
Contentment desired.
What’s in store?
Where am I supposed to be?
Displaced
Yet blessed
Motivated
Undirected
Confused
Searching
Dizzied
Where is the calling?
Where is the purpose?
Love
Be loved
Love Him.
Love them.
Love me.
Accept and adapt.
Best friend role
Never the leading lady
Is that good enough for me?
Can I do anything about it?
Is it what I should be doing?
Selflessness vs. selfishness
Where am I on the scale?
Solidified waiting
Enjoy.

Honestly, these are words and thoughts that have filled my mind for a while now, and I never came to any peace about it until yesterday--sitting in my broken down car on the side of the road, nowhere near a gas station, waiting so impatiently for my dad to get there and help me. I couldn’t do anything about where I was, but could really only look around in the car and search the heavens to ask this “ever-loving” God to give me some peace. I finally let some emotion out from where it had been sitting in the pit of my stomach for so long, and tried writing out some, honestly, angry prayers in my forlorn prayer journal. So much change has been happening for so many people in my life, that I feel dizzied at the thought of it all, happy that they are all moving at light speed, but wondering why I'm standing still, watching it all pass by. At that moment, I was begging God to speak to me: “Send me some clear sign as to what I’m supposed to be doing with all this time You’ve given me!” I’ve been hard at work serving Him in churches, and encouraging others to live wholeheartedly for Him, but have been lacking within myself the same encouragement I was giving out. I have been trying to do everything I can to live wholeheartedly for Him, filling my life with services, trying to show Him I love Him, and praying for the answer to my questions. And yet it only took ten seconds of a sermon podcast to wake me to the purpose. It’s not all about me. This waiting thing is just another chapter in His sovereign story of love for the world. I’m but a stitch in the whole tapestry, but the place where I am is beautiful, too. He fills my world with color and beauty, no matter where on the road I am—moving at full speed or stuck in the shoulder. This waiting forces me to stop and look around, notice the beautiful things in the present location before rushing to the next phase. Eager waiting is good… but enjoying it is better. Don’t get blinded by the foggy unknown ahead of you… look to your sides and praise Him for the people and the blessings you already have surrounding you. Look back and thank Him for the past because it and all its ups and downs have brought you to this beautiful place. Enjoy the present while it’s here, because soon enough it’ll be gone and over, and you’ll be wishing for it back. Knowing what’s ahead will only cause discontentment and hastiness, so maybe that’s why He never tells us ahead of time. All we need to know is

1) It’s not about our story, but His instead.
2) He knows what will happen.
3) He’s promised us His best, not what we can come up with for ourselves.
4) Whatever happens, He’s always with us, so we are never without reason to be filled with joy.
5) Wherever we are, we need to be living for His present glory, so that others’ future joys will be secure for eternity.

What’s funny is that I’ve known these things and have been telling myself this over and over and over, but it takes His timing to let it sink into my heart. Life with God is supposed to be this great adventure, filled with swashbuckling tales of faith and trust no matter how many storms set in… this grand rollercoaster ride, where we can wholeheartedly throw our hands in the air, let go of the handlebars and let Him fill our world with thrills we could never have on the ground. So I guess waiting is that sweet moment just before hitting the first big drop on the ride. You’re holding on and trusting the Lord’s course, all the while looking around at the spectacular view, the friends at your sides about to take the drop with you, and knowing that this is the ride of your dreams. It took so much to get in the seat, get up the hill, that now you can praise Him that you’re even up where you are. Enjoying life is not about having what you want, but instead about being where you want to be… in that seat, with those people, captivated by the love that surrounds you and fills your heart for the One moving the car.
I've let go of the handlebars... so we'll see where He takes me.