Put To Good Use

So, the free hug day didn't work out, mostly because I realized going by myself would be more dangerous than helpful... But that made me question some things about my faith in God. I look back at what I could have done this weekend, even against the noise and warnings from my friends telling me it would be too dangerous, and I wonder if I just didn't have enough faith that God was telling me to do the job. I know that if God gives me a job to do, He will not only help me in times of trouble, but He'll also give me a way out when that trouble may come. So, I'm just wondering if I'm just too comfortable in this bubble I've found myself in this semester, and if I just don't remember what it is to break out of that comfort zone.

Part of me wants to just fly across the world tomorrow and do something dangerous, but impactful, and prove to myself that I can be in that place of faith again. This being in ministry has made it harder on my spiritual walk than I could have ever imagined, and I'm thankful for it because I'm growing. But as I was saying to one of my best friends last night, it's so much easier to forget about the heart of why you do something when you are surrounded by the ways you do it. I have to-do lists, schedules, books, studies, and so many other things that are filling my plate, and that aren't bad at all. Focusing on getting those things done, though, is a job so draining, that it makes me just want to blow off steam when I have free time. I lose a sense of living for my God in that free time that used to be there in every moment, because I feel like I've been working so hard for the rest of the 20 hours of the day. And that becomes draining, too, somehow.

I don't know if I'm making any sense at all of the feelings I have, but in a nutshell it all comes down to this. I feel like I'm not putting myself out there to be used by God in a big way, because I feel the need to be so focused on all the things on my plate, and somewhere in the midst of that, I lose the heart of it. I want some amazing, life-changing cause to come my way. An opportunity that is a wide open door that God has opened up for me to go through and experience Him in a lasting way. And I want to feel like I'm being used for good purpose that will make a difference in someone else's life, and not just in my own. I want to go somewhere where I know they need Jesus, and I want to tell them and show them and fall in love with that group of people. I want to be where they are, giving them the picture of God that so many have instilled in me because of their faithful service. And I know it's so ungrateful of me to be wanting something different from where I have been so graciously and lovingly placed for this season in my life, but it's just how I feel. I know I'm in the place that I am for a reason, and I'm so thankful for the people God has put in my life, because He has truly blessed me. I just want to be that kind of a blessing for others....

Okay, I think I'm done whining for now... :o) I'm off to do some homework before my next class! Hope I haven't bogged you down with all my ranting and such, and I hope you have a great day! Keep smiling. :o)