~I am nasal and getting sicker by the moment.
~I am watching the Daily Show, the Colbert Report, and the Office religiously.
~I now have Christmas lights in my dorm, and am so excited about the holiday season coming upon us.
~I am saving money for the James Taylor Christmas album, and would love to receive it as a gift... preferably before Christmas for the purpose of full enjoyment of said music.
~I have a new love for scarfs, especially one handmade by a friend especially for me.
~My Ipod's screen is broken, and it sucks.
~At this point in the posting, I now have a sore throat.
~I'm ready for a new relationship. But I'm doing okay without one for now. Day by day falling more in love with Jesus.
~I now love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.
~I miss people.
~I want to go to Africa TOMORROW.
~I am going to New York for the first time in 8 years in a couple of weeks, and I'm SOOOO EXCITED!
~My grandma, with whom I am really close, recently had surgery on an aortic aneurism, and is now doing fine... Praise the Lord!
~I use this blog for writing about myself and what's going on with my life and my thoughts on it, because I don't like to burden others with a lot of self-centered talk about my emotions when they don't ask for it... so, if you're reading, get used to it! Lol...
~I love every single one of you.
Now the Nyquil is taking its toll... I'll probably have a good dream story tomorrow morning... or afternoon. :o)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
| You Are Cookie Monster |
 Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth. You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around. You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!" |
Monday, October 15, 2007
Where I'm at on guys... advice appreciated
So. Guys.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the amount of seriousness I really put on my relationships with guys. And I'm thinking that I'm way too serious about it. I think it may be because I've been so hurt before, and I just don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt or bruised or damaged, mine or the guy's. I think about things like that way too much, and I want to be better at just having fun with someone, and not getting so wrapped up in the future of it all, or where it's all headed, or whether I'm making a mistake or not. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." But how heavily guarded am I? Is it a bad level of security, to where I am so closed off no one could ever get behind the wall, unless they are perfect in every way? Or is it a good level of security, where the guy needs to be perfect, because anything else would be settling?
I want my next relationship to be able to move toward marriage, if it lasts that long and gets that serious, but I don't want to be closed off to whatever is right in front of me because the person isn't perfect. I want to know the guy well enough as a friend to where I can trust him to be a good boyfriend, and I want to like him in that way before I say yes to dating him. But that isn't the way it always works for everyone. Why can't I just say yes to a date without any fear of the future or whether I like him or not, or whether he's a good friend or not? (IMPORTANT POINT: nothing has come up like this at all... just a wonderment.) I've only kissed one guy, only said "I love you" to one guy, only been in one relationship, only been in a long term relationship (2 years), and it was amazing. But in the end, he didn't even like me that much anymore. It wasn't fun anymore. It didn't neccessarily start off in a really daring and fun way either. It was good... don't get me wrong, and he was and still is an amazing guy, but he wasn't right for me.
I need someone who will bring out the outgoing, fun, bright side of me, and at the same time, be there to be mellow, comforting, compassionate, and serious when he needs to be. I want a best friend in the guy, who will know me and love me for who I am; someone I won't be afraid to tell my secrets to, because I can trust his secrecy. I want someone who challenges me spiritually and not physically; someone who won't push the limits, but will be honorable and admirable. And most of all, I want someone who will always love God more than he loves me. Otherwise, it won't work. And he needs to be someone who wants the same from me. Here's some more list items:
~can take a joke and laugh at it
~can handle sarcasm, and puts it out there, too
~would go to the mission field if God told him to
~is totally fine with just laying around in sweats and socks all day
~will take care of me when I'm sick
~will bring me my favorite flowers, just for the heck of it
~can put up with my goofiness, utterly annoying forgetfulness, and my lack of cleanliness
~is willing to be there, no matter what or where or when.
~quick to forgive, and slow to anger
~loves cellulite :o)
~gives great hugs
~has a killer smile
~will watch a chick flick every now and then
~doesn't make me do things I know I won't like
~is fine just holding hands, walking in a park, and being with me.... even if that's the whole date
~likes to go dancing
~loves surprises
~does sappy romantic things spontaneously
These are just a few things that I would love in a guy, but not all of them have to be there for me to love him. I am flexible on most of those things. And I guess I'm just doing this because I am just really wanting a boyfriend, or just a guy to be able to call at 1 am to talk with or get a hug from. But it's a real desire of my heart. I want someone to miss me when I go away, or someone to want to come with me. And I don't want to end up in an empty apartment in 15 years with two dogs, hoping someone will call or come over just so I can be less lonely.
I just figured I should see if there's something wrong with me before I go blaming the world.
Am I not putting myself out there enough? I admit, I've only met one guy at school so far, and now he's a good friend of mine, but it's been a few months, and he's the only one. Should I be flirting more, searching more, doing whatever girls do? OR should I stay as I am, waiting on the guys to do it first?
--------------""Girls--------------
-----------are like apples------
-------on trees. The best ones-----
-----are at the top of the tree.-----
---The boys dont want to reach---
--for the good ones because they--
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong w/ them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right boy to
---- come along, the one who's-
----------- brave enough to-----
---------------climb all---------
---------------the way--------
--------------to the top--------
-------------of the tree.---------
I've been thinking a lot lately about the amount of seriousness I really put on my relationships with guys. And I'm thinking that I'm way too serious about it. I think it may be because I've been so hurt before, and I just don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt or bruised or damaged, mine or the guy's. I think about things like that way too much, and I want to be better at just having fun with someone, and not getting so wrapped up in the future of it all, or where it's all headed, or whether I'm making a mistake or not. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." But how heavily guarded am I? Is it a bad level of security, to where I am so closed off no one could ever get behind the wall, unless they are perfect in every way? Or is it a good level of security, where the guy needs to be perfect, because anything else would be settling?
I want my next relationship to be able to move toward marriage, if it lasts that long and gets that serious, but I don't want to be closed off to whatever is right in front of me because the person isn't perfect. I want to know the guy well enough as a friend to where I can trust him to be a good boyfriend, and I want to like him in that way before I say yes to dating him. But that isn't the way it always works for everyone. Why can't I just say yes to a date without any fear of the future or whether I like him or not, or whether he's a good friend or not? (IMPORTANT POINT: nothing has come up like this at all... just a wonderment.) I've only kissed one guy, only said "I love you" to one guy, only been in one relationship, only been in a long term relationship (2 years), and it was amazing. But in the end, he didn't even like me that much anymore. It wasn't fun anymore. It didn't neccessarily start off in a really daring and fun way either. It was good... don't get me wrong, and he was and still is an amazing guy, but he wasn't right for me.
I need someone who will bring out the outgoing, fun, bright side of me, and at the same time, be there to be mellow, comforting, compassionate, and serious when he needs to be. I want a best friend in the guy, who will know me and love me for who I am; someone I won't be afraid to tell my secrets to, because I can trust his secrecy. I want someone who challenges me spiritually and not physically; someone who won't push the limits, but will be honorable and admirable. And most of all, I want someone who will always love God more than he loves me. Otherwise, it won't work. And he needs to be someone who wants the same from me. Here's some more list items:
~can take a joke and laugh at it
~can handle sarcasm, and puts it out there, too
~would go to the mission field if God told him to
~is totally fine with just laying around in sweats and socks all day
~will take care of me when I'm sick
~will bring me my favorite flowers, just for the heck of it
~can put up with my goofiness, utterly annoying forgetfulness, and my lack of cleanliness
~is willing to be there, no matter what or where or when.
~quick to forgive, and slow to anger
~loves cellulite :o)
~gives great hugs
~has a killer smile
~will watch a chick flick every now and then
~doesn't make me do things I know I won't like
~is fine just holding hands, walking in a park, and being with me.... even if that's the whole date
~likes to go dancing
~loves surprises
~does sappy romantic things spontaneously
These are just a few things that I would love in a guy, but not all of them have to be there for me to love him. I am flexible on most of those things. And I guess I'm just doing this because I am just really wanting a boyfriend, or just a guy to be able to call at 1 am to talk with or get a hug from. But it's a real desire of my heart. I want someone to miss me when I go away, or someone to want to come with me. And I don't want to end up in an empty apartment in 15 years with two dogs, hoping someone will call or come over just so I can be less lonely.
I just figured I should see if there's something wrong with me before I go blaming the world.
Am I not putting myself out there enough? I admit, I've only met one guy at school so far, and now he's a good friend of mine, but it's been a few months, and he's the only one. Should I be flirting more, searching more, doing whatever girls do? OR should I stay as I am, waiting on the guys to do it first?
--------------""Girls--------------
-----------are like apples------
-------on trees. The best ones-----
-----are at the top of the tree.-----
---The boys dont want to reach---
--for the good ones because they--
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong w/ them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right boy to
---- come along, the one who's-
----------- brave enough to-----
---------------climb all---------
---------------the way--------
--------------to the top--------
-------------of the tree.---------
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Living out of a suitcase
Hormones are mischevious things... They make you feel so many different things all at once... They make you want things you know you can't have just yet... They make you want to do something completely different, just for the heck of it. Because if you escape where you are right now, you have the false hope of doing something that will leave all problems, skeletons, any negativities whatsoever behind. Far behind, where no one you know will see them.
And I am so convinced that boys have these feelings, just as much as girls. And that leads to girls wondering what they did wrong, or what's wrong with them naturally, which leads to hormones taking over in every way.
Hormones have way too much power in my life. I think I give them that power by blaming everything I feel, every immature thing I do, every immature thing done to me on them. Instead of doing something about it, or just moving on and living each day fresh and new, I let hormones take the throne, and I just wait until they finally die and lose their reign.
All of this happens when I let it happen. Only then do I find myself in a PMS funk. The only alternative to giving in is to give it up. Giving up every single day to my God, and letting Him take care of me, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, are the only ways I can really know that I'm going to be okay. When I let hormones and feelings and problems become the biggest things I see, I forget to focus on the ENORMITY of who God is, and what He can do in my life.
I have a friend who goes from trend to trend in his life, who surfaces and resurfaces when things in each trend go wrong, and he always has an excuse to move on to the next thing in his life... something he believes will make him happy. He never has anything but excuses, and even those don't hide what is really going on in him from the ones who know him best. He never takes responsibility, and he never finishes anything he starts. He's always searching for that one thing he can stick with and graduate from, but he never stops to think that God might have something to say in the matter. When he's in the railway station of choices, he makes his own choice, and gets on the train he thinks is best for him, even if it's facing the wrong direction. And he only stops to talk to God when he gets bored on the ride, or when he needs to be just like everyone else around him. Then God lets him know he's on the wrong train, but he has to wait to get off at the next stop, leaving all the people, responsibilities, etc. behind. Only when he gets back to the original stop does he find that he can't do anything to change what he did, and he can't do anything to get back to where he was before. The cycle goes on and on... He never unpacks completely, never finds home.... on and on... living out of the same suitcase, wearing the same clothes, finding that wherever he goes, there he is.
I want to ask God what He wants from me before I take the wrong train. I don't have a suitcase big enough to take all of my junk with me, and I don't have the money for new clothes at each stop.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Hosanna
And I am so convinced that boys have these feelings, just as much as girls. And that leads to girls wondering what they did wrong, or what's wrong with them naturally, which leads to hormones taking over in every way.
Hormones have way too much power in my life. I think I give them that power by blaming everything I feel, every immature thing I do, every immature thing done to me on them. Instead of doing something about it, or just moving on and living each day fresh and new, I let hormones take the throne, and I just wait until they finally die and lose their reign.
All of this happens when I let it happen. Only then do I find myself in a PMS funk. The only alternative to giving in is to give it up. Giving up every single day to my God, and letting Him take care of me, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, are the only ways I can really know that I'm going to be okay. When I let hormones and feelings and problems become the biggest things I see, I forget to focus on the ENORMITY of who God is, and what He can do in my life.
I have a friend who goes from trend to trend in his life, who surfaces and resurfaces when things in each trend go wrong, and he always has an excuse to move on to the next thing in his life... something he believes will make him happy. He never has anything but excuses, and even those don't hide what is really going on in him from the ones who know him best. He never takes responsibility, and he never finishes anything he starts. He's always searching for that one thing he can stick with and graduate from, but he never stops to think that God might have something to say in the matter. When he's in the railway station of choices, he makes his own choice, and gets on the train he thinks is best for him, even if it's facing the wrong direction. And he only stops to talk to God when he gets bored on the ride, or when he needs to be just like everyone else around him. Then God lets him know he's on the wrong train, but he has to wait to get off at the next stop, leaving all the people, responsibilities, etc. behind. Only when he gets back to the original stop does he find that he can't do anything to change what he did, and he can't do anything to get back to where he was before. The cycle goes on and on... He never unpacks completely, never finds home.... on and on... living out of the same suitcase, wearing the same clothes, finding that wherever he goes, there he is.
I want to ask God what He wants from me before I take the wrong train. I don't have a suitcase big enough to take all of my junk with me, and I don't have the money for new clothes at each stop.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Hosanna
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