Change me, Lord

As I sit back and think about my daily life, I'm realizing how boring it's all become. I have no adventure anymore, it seems. There's no thrill, no fun. Hmmm...

The most recent change with me is my new job as a receptionist at a local hair salon, which is pretty boring so far. No joke. However, it is only my third day on the job tomorrow... so we'll see what happens.
I mostly hang out with my grandma, and my extended relatives, all of whom are over the age of 60. So, you can imagine what that's like. Although I must say, I have fallen out of my chair laughing with them on multiple occasions. :o) Our twice weekly domino games have become highlights in my week.
Then there's the most fun thing I have going, which is my involvement in Summergrove Baptist's middle school youth group, which is a real blessing for me. These girls are amazing, and they make my week every time I get to be with them. A couple have already opened up big time, and it's really just incredible to see what God's doing through the young people these days. Courage is in the meek.

But outside of that, I'm wondering why my life turned out this way. Not the whole moving here thing, but why I'm in this particular situation. I've always pictured myself working at a church ministry as an intern doing the Lord's work and serving Him alongside new people in my life. And I've seen myself as having more friends than the 2 I sparingly see, getting to know them, going out on the town, being crazy, you know. I'm also wondering whether I should have gotten so involved in a ministry so quickly without figuring out the church it's in first. I don't really get much out of the services there, and I can't be involved in the young singles group because of schedule conflicts with the youth group's stuff. So, I'm doing what I can with the youth group on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, but am not really fellowshipping with people my own age at all. And I really miss my home church and everyone there. I REALLY miss it.

So, I'm just crying out for some ADVENTURE here, Lord! I need to find that sweet spot! I want to be off the fence and into the game. What should I do, God? What do I need to change about myself in order to enjoy my life more? You alone can change me....

Landfills to Molehills

You know, I've been wondering lately... when are you too old to be a kid? I know the whole young at heart thing is true for everyone, but when does one get to be too old to wear converse... or wear pigtails... or just tshirts and jeans with holes everywhere???
When are you too old to act like you did in high school... do stupid things for stupid reasons and get into too much trouble???
When are you too old to be telling stupid jokes... acting silly around boys... staying up too late for no apparent reason???

I say all this because I've noticed something about myself... I try to act crazy and cool, but at the same time I'm trying to grow up too fast... or atleast that's what it feels like to me. I don't really know what it should be like to be nineteen, and I'm about to be twenty in July. Life is going by too fast for my comfort.
I long for the days when I could be irresponsibly crazy and just go for a ride on my bike whenever I felt like it. I miss the days when the only thing I wanted was a brand new toy advertised on TV, and not some money to pay off a traffic ticket. I want to be back in the day when Pogs were awesome and I got to play cops and robbers with my brother and neighbor all afternoon when my parents weren't home.
I feel like I'm missing out on a huge chunk of teenager-hood. Like I should be out with my friends all night, driving downtown, seeing movies and chilling at cafes with the people I really love.

But instead I'm worrying about financial crap, when this job is really going to kick in, when I will EVER have time to sleep without feeling guilty for losing hours of the day, where and when I will meet some good friends to hang out with and talk to around here. I'm worrying about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, how I'm going to appear to people, when this little stomach bulge is ever going to go away. I get on my own back about working out, getting in shape, becoming more outwardly beautiful. Then I realize....

Jesus is bigger than that. No matter how many things I pile up in front of myself, continually blocking out the goal of a successful life I have on my horizon, He is bigger than all of it. He can take care of all my worries and fears without even breaking a sweat. And what makes it all even better... He WANTS to. He LONGS to. It's a HUGE desire of His to take all my burdens and place them on His own shoulders, so that I might be able to put him in front of my pile of junk and solely focus on Him, how much He loves me, and how much I should be loving Him, instead of the crap I've loaded myself with everyday. It's like as I'm throwing more and more heavy worry and doubt and fear on my already heaping landfill of sin, He just steps in front of me, grabs my shovel, throws it aside and embraces me with His everlastingly comforting arms, as I nestle my head on His chest and breath in a deep peace that can only come from that kind of blessed assurance. When my head is snug there under His wing, I can't see my problems. I can no longer think on my worries. They are all there, but He comes between me and them. He won't let me pile on more if I just rest in Him and focus on His love. I'm not picking up the shovel if I'm in that embrace.
Praise Jesus. He never lets me go.

Selfish to a fault

It seems as if we're drifting apart, and I really don't think its my fault this time. I know, in the most humble of ways, that I can be selfless to a fault, and that I should take care of myself before others sometimes, but I feel like you're taking that kind of selfishness to a different level. I know you have enough time to listen to the smallest of details when you decide you have the time, but you never make it anymore. You don't make the effort, when you know I will drop everything and get there as soon as I can if you needed me. And it's not like I'm terribly lonely over here; I just miss you a lot. You're one of my few best friends, and I never ever hear from you. I understand that you are really busy, but if you have time to be driving to work, or driving to Wylie, or just hanging out doing nothing with Kristen, then you have time to be on the phone with me. It's just frustrating because I've heard you vent about other friends treating you exactly like this over and over again, and you know I'm one you can talk to because I never do that to you, or atleast I try my best. But it's like it's a blindness you have when your conveniences get taken away when you decide to be selfish. Now, don't get me wrong. You aren't this way at all most of the time... but when you make the conscious decision to put yourself first above someone else, it becomes a habit you can't control. It's MUCH easier serving yourself before others, otherwise it wouldn't be a sin to be conceited. And it's not a bad thing to make sure you are taken care of so that you can take care of others better. But as the other person, I feel left out in the cold. I haven't really gotten to talk to you in weeks. It just feels lonely. So, yeah. Do what you want with this, but just look at yourself first and figure out if you're taken care of yet. If you need more pampering, go for it. But seriously, I'm still here. I'm still in it. Don't think you've lost me because I'm never lost to you.
You know my number.