When are you too old to act like you did in high school... do stupid things for stupid reasons and get into too much trouble???
When are you too old to be telling stupid jokes... acting silly around boys... staying up too late for no apparent reason???
I say all this because I've noticed something about myself... I try to act crazy and cool, but at the same time I'm trying to grow up too fast... or atleast that's what it feels like to me. I don't really know what it should be like to be nineteen, and I'm about to be twenty in July. Life is going by too fast for my comfort.
I long for the days when I could be irresponsibly crazy and just go for a ride on my bike whenever I felt like it. I miss the days when the only thing I wanted was a brand new toy advertised on TV, and not some money to pay off a traffic ticket. I want to be back in the day when Pogs were awesome and I got to play cops and robbers with my brother and neighbor all afternoon when my parents weren't home.
I feel like I'm missing out on a huge chunk of teenager-hood. Like I should be out with my friends all night, driving downtown, seeing movies and chilling at cafes with the people I really love.
But instead I'm worrying about financial crap, when this job is really going to kick in, when I will EVER have time to sleep without feeling guilty for losing hours of the day, where and when I will meet some good friends to hang out with and talk to around here. I'm worrying about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, how I'm going to appear to people, when this little stomach bulge is ever going to go away. I get on my own back about working out, getting in shape, becoming more outwardly beautiful. Then I realize....
Jesus is bigger than that. No matter how many things I pile up in front of myself, continually blocking out the goal of a successful life I have on my horizon, He is bigger than all of it. He can take care of all my worries and fears without even breaking a sweat. And what makes it all even better... He WANTS to. He LONGS to. It's a HUGE desire of His to take all my burdens and place them on His own shoulders, so that I might be able to put him in front of my pile of junk and solely focus on Him, how much He loves me, and how much I should be loving Him, instead of the crap I've loaded myself with everyday. It's like as I'm throwing more and more heavy worry and doubt and fear on my already heaping landfill of sin, He just steps in front of me, grabs my shovel, throws it aside and embraces me with His everlastingly comforting arms, as I nestle my head on His chest and breath in a deep peace that can only come from that kind of blessed assurance. When my head is snug there under His wing, I can't see my problems. I can no longer think on my worries. They are all there, but He comes between me and them. He won't let me pile on more if I just rest in Him and focus on His love. I'm not picking up the shovel if I'm in that embrace.
Praise Jesus. He never lets me go.
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