Happiness is...

It's incredible the paths you find yourself taking when you just give Jesus the lead. It's been awhile, I know, since I've last posted, but I thought I would catch you up on what's going on. (Even though I'm sure I'm the only one reading. Hahahah)

As I was saying, it's been a while since I've really given over to what God wants for me to do, and it's amazing seeing the way your life completely takes a different turn than you expect when you give it all over to Him. Now, I'm not saying that it was all just so easy for me to do, which is so true there should be another word for "true". Actually, it was more like a Jesus 2x4 hitting me over the head reminding me to look up instead of down so often. :o) I recently left my amazing job at IBC as an intern for many different reasons, one being that I just felt like I could be used more effectively by Him in other ways in ministry, and it took so long for me to get it that God made it happen of His own accord. I've really loved working there, and greatly encourage anyone looking for a ministry position to start looking there. I cannot put into words the amazing opportunities, support, friendships, and insights into the Church as a whole that have come from being there for almost 2 years. I just count myself blessed to have been a part of it, and it took ALL of me not to cry on Sunday, which was my last day. But I can't say I didn't cry the entire way home that night. I can't imagine what life's going to be like without being on staff there, but I know that it holds much more than I can even glimpse right now. I can't WAIT to get back to being in direct relationships with the kids themselves while I volunteer on Sundays, which is going to be INCREDIBLE! I also am not going to be employed, outside of babysitting and housesitting, in the Spring, which will definitely be a change since I haven't not had a job since high school. It'll be a change, but I'll be able to focus on school, investing in relationships there, and becoming more disciplined and diligent in glorifying God in the mundane things of life. And that means learning the little things that will help with the big things that God has planned for the future. For the longest time I've been struggling with whether or not I'm being used for any good in the Kingdom at all, and why God hasn't sent me anywhere to do anything of what I would deem as important. I've been doubting my faith in Him, my spiritual worth in His eyes, and whether or not I really amount to anything for what seems like forever. The only answer I've ever really gotten from Him is that I need to prove myself faithful in the tasks He has presented to me in the day-to-day stuff, like classes, quiet times, prayer times, studying, and finances, before I will be used in the ways I've always imagined (like going to the mission field, leading a ministry, writing for a ministry, etc.) Because in any situation, I need to always think of glorifying Him with all I can be, do, or say, I need to practice the stuff that will follow me the rest of my life before I try to take on something even bigger that will only add to the stress of it all. So, really, this whole change is freeing me of lots of responsibility, so that I can focus solely on the responsibilities that God asks of me, which have been left unfinished for so long. PRAISE JESUS!

I just pray that God will use me in the ways that He wills. And that I will be willing to give up whatever I need to in order to be a tool for Him. Life is changing, AMEN.

Headlights and Lighthouses

I see lights in the distance
Shining with hope
Glowing with comfort.

Are they headlights or lighthouses?
Coming to my rescue
Or calling me out?

They beckon out to me through the
Void of desparate darkness and black seas
Surrounding my every move.

Which one do I heed?
Stuck, alone, drifting away
But not progressing.
Do I move or do I stay?

I've been wondering for so long
In this same place
Not knowing which direction to row in,
Or whether I should or shouldn't.

I'm restless and lazy,
Passionate and apathetic,
Enthralled and tired.
Free and imprisoned.

There are so many voices
Telling me to choose.
But I don't even know where to begin
Asking the right questions.

Will picking up an oar and trying to row
Only discover an anchor
Keeping me in one place
Then hurt and alone?

But I feel the traces of warmth in the lights,
Wishing for something of the anti-ego,
Some other interactions outside of myself.
Will there be more use for me
Outside the circle of my indecision?
Or will there just be another group of

Headlights and lighthouses?

Tied together with a smile

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay.

I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps...

OH MY GOODNESS, last weekend was probably the best one of my life... So, I'm going to try to express the warm feeling my heart is enchanted with everytime I think about those one way signs and skyscrapers. To preface this, I want you to know that I'm experiencing withdrawals, and might actually start crying because I'm not there right this second. So, on with the story:

My sister(Anna), two aunts(Riri and Aunt Gail), cousin(Laece) and I went to NYC because we three girls combined our birthday gifts in order to go see Wicked and have a fun weekend. So, needless to say, we were anxious to get there. :o)
We left on Friday night and actually arrived at LaGuardia airport in Queens at 1 AM on Saturday morning. A baggage claim, taxi ride, and hotel settlement later, it was 3 AM and we were starving. So, we went out in search of food. And oh my goodness, my very favorite part of New York is that it doesn't sleep and you can find any quality of food at anytime in the day or night... it knows me through and through. :o) We found food at this awesome deli and finally got back to the Hilton off 6th at 4 to go to sleep. That was Friday (and part of Saturday)

Saturday morning we walked about 10 blocks to an open market (full of fake everything, tshirts, etc.) which was on our way to our Downtown bus tour. We actually got to stop at a wax museum to get our tickets and saw statues of Whoopi Goldberg and Samuel L. Jackson in the lobby, which was really fun. We then got on the tour bus and went all over downtown (including Greenwich Village (my future home), Soho, Chinatown, Little Italy, the Financial district, the Fashion district, the Fulton Fish Market, etc.) stopping in Chinatown and Little Italy for some exploring, shopping, and sightseeing, including getting lost and finding our way back. :o) We ate at a little bistro in Little Italy called Positano's, which was amazing, and finally got back to the bus to finish the tour. Later on, instead of seeing Wicked on broadway, because of the stagehand strike (go stagehands!), we went to the Empire State Building and got to see the city at night when it's really alive. It was so beautiful!

On Sunday we got up early to go to our Uptown tour after grabbing some delicious off-the-street croissants, and on the way we got to walk up 5th avenue... we saw Trump Tower, St. Patrick's Cathedral, the Plaza Hotel, and many designer stores I couldn't believe I was even near them! We got on the bus, which took us from one end of Central Park through the West Side, up through Columbia University, into Harlem, across the tracks, and back through the East Side. It was all so gorgeous! For lunch we had Ray's Pizza (definitely not the original) and world famous cheesecake at Lindy's Restaurant, which was definitely delicious. And I MIGHT have gotten my first real cup of coffee at Lindy's to go with the cheesecake.. no, I still don't like coffee. :o) Later that afternoon, Riri, Anna and I went to see the NBC Studio Tour, where we got to see the sets of the Conan O'Brien show, Saturday Night Live (definitely my favorite), and Anna got to be a weather girl in the simulated news studio they had for us. Needless to say, it was hilarious. :o) We ended up meeting up with Laece and Aunt Gail for dinner at the Tang Pavilion chinese restaurant for some amazing dinner, and went to the hotel for a great night's sleep before an early start the next day.

Monday morning after I gave my heart away to the New York bagel and cream cheese, we got to go on a Circle Line Cruise tour around the island, which brought us by the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island and the Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Williamsburg bridges. Our tour guide was a kook, but it was a great tour all the same. :o) After the tour we got to eat lunch at the Stardust diner, which is a great little place where the servers all sing while you eat, trying to pick up a job on broadway, of course. It was really fun and so hard to leave, because after that we had to go back to the hotel to get our luggage ready for take-off. :o( However, Anna and I got some time to ourselves so we could go to Times Square to get some last minute souvenirs, bagels for the flight (of course), and some really artsy pictures.

Then we left, and I haven't been the same since... I've fully decided to live there someday, and for a good while, too. It's a magical city where the people don't care, every block is filled with more culture than fathomable, and no one ever sleeps. I love it through and through... no doubt about it. So that was our trip! Now you need to go see my pictures.... they're much better than reading this. :o)

NYC pictures are up!!!

Hey guys... if you want to see my pictures of our trip to New York this past weekend, go to my photobucket:
http://s212.photobucket.com/albums/cc122/nyc5_2007/

And if that doesn't work, follow these steps:

1. Go to www.photobucket.com
2. In the search bar, put nyc5_2007
3. It will say there is no album for that search, but go to the user's page. That's my page.

**** THE SUB ALBUMS ARE WHERE THE PICS ARE. THEY ARE DIVIDED BY THE DAYS WE WERE THERE.*****

Have fun!
:o)

Ms. Cellophane

Brian and Caleb have always been the best of friends, no matter what kind of trouble Brian always got in. Caleb was always there for him when he came back from it. They had this friend, Abby, that they didn't really know that well until that next year, when it all happened, and they ended up hanging out more often. They got to know each other as a threesome pretty well, mostly because Abby's friend, Rachel, was there, so Abby didn't feel so awkward with hanging out with two guys by herself. HA!
So this one night they stumble upon getting to know this girl named Emma, and she was really fun. Actually, she was probably the most fun one out of the group, which attracted the rest of them to hanging out with her. Abby ended up hanging out a lot more with her than the rest, mostly because she saw her more often and was a girl. :o) But Abby would go to Emma's house, spend the night, go to Emma's school to meet some of her newer friends there, and just make fun of Caleb and Brian, because it was hilarious.
Emma had this friend at school with whom she became very very close, to the point of no return, named Michelle. Abby met her one time during one of her stays at Emma's school, and thought she was awesome right from the start. The three of them started to become a little threesome of friends at some point, and it was really fun, but it always seemed to Abby to be a two-person show for her to be entertained by more than a three-person act. So, she enjoyed it for a while, and became good friends with the both of them. Needless to say, Caleb, Brian, Emma, Abby, Michelle, and Rachel were a team.
They watched movies together, went to dinner at their favorite restaurant almost every night some weeks, and basically did everything together as a group. It was heaven, especially for Abby, whose prayers had been answered for a group of friends who would spur each other on to glorifying God, living out His love, and encouraging one another, no matter what happened. Plenty of things happened, mind you, but I won't go into that. Somehow they all stuck together through thick and thin....

And then the Summer came. How it really happened is still a mystery to most, but Abby had some insight. Michelle had to go back home to Houston, and Emma began to stay at home more, since she had about 3 jobs to juggle through the week, and so let's just say they lost touch. Michelle would try to keep contact with Emma, but amidst such a heavy schedule and hanging out with old friends from home, she just never got the chance to call back most of the time. And when she did, it didn't last long enough to satisfy the longing of Michelle's heart for her best friend. She felt lost in the dust of the car gone by, looking at some brake lights and wanting them to brighten. So, Abby kept in touch with Michelle while she was at home in Houston, mostly because Abby understood the feeling of needing someone trusted to be there for her to talk through a lot of family drama that was going to keep Michelle in Houston for the upcoming year. And Abby did what she could to be that for her. Abby needed help, too, with some drama that came up between her and Brian, so Michelle got her through that. They would talk on the phone for hours, and would have to stop themselves just to keep from losing their cell phones for using too many minutes. They became pretty close over that Summer. It was amazing for Abby because that was another prayer answered: a best friend. I mean, she had best friends, but they were either far away at school, on mission trips, or just kind of out of touch.

Either way, Michelle and Abby became closer than ever over that season of life, and found themselves in that same place when Michelle's many prayers were answered with a way to live up in Dallas with all her friends and her home church, and they rejoiced together for God's amazing work in Michelle's life. Michelle moved up, she and Abby were reunited, and they were like peas and carrots. Caleb came alongside, and they were like a team. I mean they had hypothetical houses on the same hypothetical street and hypothetical kids growing up in their hypothetical wonderland of life-long friendship. It was going to be for good. When Abby moved away to school, some 40 miles away from her home, she knew it was going to be hard to be as active in Michelle's life as well as Caleb's. So, she made sure to let them know, through tears and fears, that she would never be too far away for anything: dinner with friends, hanging out after church, or even just talking. This was also more of a cry for involvement in her life, since she knew it would be hard for her to find friends at her new school. And they understood. At least she thought they did.

Some more drama (I know, it's ridiculous...) came up between Michelle and Caleb on one hand, and then more in the lives of Brian and Abby, which Michelle and Abby got through together, and ended up not even feeling remotely cool toward either of the boys respectively. Michelle would be okay without Caleb's friendship, since it really hurt her more than helped her at that point. And Abby felt that she needed to guard her heart more against Brian's lies and inconsistencies, so she would be more emotionally and spiritually reliant upon God and His good timing. So, neither girl would really want to hang out with their respective guy. And therefore, since both guys were involved at their home church, which they shared with the girls, the whole group just never really got to hang out anymore.
Michelle began hanging out with Emma again, and since they reconciled and because Michelle was feeling kind of homesick, she began staying with Emma at her home (a good 40 miles away from everyone else) and making some great friends in that area of town. She actually began dating an amazing guy from over there, and they hit it off right away. Caleb began working almost double-time to make up for what needed to be done for the fall, and was always really busy. Brian kind of disappeared from the whole scene, which was fine on Abby's part, but kept in contact with Caleb. Because of the distance of her home from the church, Emma pretty much stayed in her hometown, going to school and hanging out with friends.
So, needless to say, Abby had some limited contact with these friends, and only has a few new ones at school that she likes hanging out with. She missed them a lot and still does, only getting to talk to them and hang out with them when they are all separated, making it harder to see them at all. She wishes that they could all hang out together some time and just catch up and relive old times, but doesn't see it happening in the near future, even though it would be a real encouragement. She is beginning to feel like no one really cares that much about her enough to let her be there for them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She longs to hear all the good and maybe not so good that's happening in their lives, and would love to hang out and catch up, even though it doesn't seem like it's reciprocated. She could be completely over-dramatizing it all in her head, but she's just laying her cards out on the table. And It looks like a losing hand.

Mr. Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane
Should'a been my name, Mr. Cellophane
Cuz you can look right through me,
Walk right by me,
And never know I'm there.

Update: in case you wanted to know

~I am nasal and getting sicker by the moment.
~I am watching the Daily Show, the Colbert Report, and the Office religiously.
~I now have Christmas lights in my dorm, and am so excited about the holiday season coming upon us.
~I am saving money for the James Taylor Christmas album, and would love to receive it as a gift... preferably before Christmas for the purpose of full enjoyment of said music.
~I have a new love for scarfs, especially one handmade by a friend especially for me.
~My Ipod's screen is broken, and it sucks.
~At this point in the posting, I now have a sore throat.
~I'm ready for a new relationship. But I'm doing okay without one for now. Day by day falling more in love with Jesus.
~I now love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.
~I miss people.
~I want to go to Africa TOMORROW.
~I am going to New York for the first time in 8 years in a couple of weeks, and I'm SOOOO EXCITED!
~My grandma, with whom I am really close, recently had surgery on an aortic aneurism, and is now doing fine... Praise the Lord!
~I use this blog for writing about myself and what's going on with my life and my thoughts on it, because I don't like to burden others with a lot of self-centered talk about my emotions when they don't ask for it... so, if you're reading, get used to it! Lol...
~I love every single one of you.

Now the Nyquil is taking its toll... I'll probably have a good dream story tomorrow morning... or afternoon. :o)

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth. You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around. You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Where I'm at on guys... advice appreciated

So. Guys.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the amount of seriousness I really put on my relationships with guys. And I'm thinking that I'm way too serious about it. I think it may be because I've been so hurt before, and I just don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt or bruised or damaged, mine or the guy's. I think about things like that way too much, and I want to be better at just having fun with someone, and not getting so wrapped up in the future of it all, or where it's all headed, or whether I'm making a mistake or not. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." But how heavily guarded am I? Is it a bad level of security, to where I am so closed off no one could ever get behind the wall, unless they are perfect in every way? Or is it a good level of security, where the guy needs to be perfect, because anything else would be settling?

I want my next relationship to be able to move toward marriage, if it lasts that long and gets that serious, but I don't want to be closed off to whatever is right in front of me because the person isn't perfect. I want to know the guy well enough as a friend to where I can trust him to be a good boyfriend, and I want to like him in that way before I say yes to dating him. But that isn't the way it always works for everyone. Why can't I just say yes to a date without any fear of the future or whether I like him or not, or whether he's a good friend or not? (IMPORTANT POINT: nothing has come up like this at all... just a wonderment.) I've only kissed one guy, only said "I love you" to one guy, only been in one relationship, only been in a long term relationship (2 years), and it was amazing. But in the end, he didn't even like me that much anymore. It wasn't fun anymore. It didn't neccessarily start off in a really daring and fun way either. It was good... don't get me wrong, and he was and still is an amazing guy, but he wasn't right for me.

I need someone who will bring out the outgoing, fun, bright side of me, and at the same time, be there to be mellow, comforting, compassionate, and serious when he needs to be. I want a best friend in the guy, who will know me and love me for who I am; someone I won't be afraid to tell my secrets to, because I can trust his secrecy. I want someone who challenges me spiritually and not physically; someone who won't push the limits, but will be honorable and admirable. And most of all, I want someone who will always love God more than he loves me. Otherwise, it won't work. And he needs to be someone who wants the same from me. Here's some more list items:
~can take a joke and laugh at it
~can handle sarcasm, and puts it out there, too
~would go to the mission field if God told him to
~is totally fine with just laying around in sweats and socks all day
~will take care of me when I'm sick
~will bring me my favorite flowers, just for the heck of it
~can put up with my goofiness, utterly annoying forgetfulness, and my lack of cleanliness
~is willing to be there, no matter what or where or when.
~quick to forgive, and slow to anger
~loves cellulite :o)
~gives great hugs
~has a killer smile
~will watch a chick flick every now and then
~doesn't make me do things I know I won't like
~is fine just holding hands, walking in a park, and being with me.... even if that's the whole date
~likes to go dancing
~loves surprises
~does sappy romantic things spontaneously

These are just a few things that I would love in a guy, but not all of them have to be there for me to love him. I am flexible on most of those things. And I guess I'm just doing this because I am just really wanting a boyfriend, or just a guy to be able to call at 1 am to talk with or get a hug from. But it's a real desire of my heart. I want someone to miss me when I go away, or someone to want to come with me. And I don't want to end up in an empty apartment in 15 years with two dogs, hoping someone will call or come over just so I can be less lonely.

I just figured I should see if there's something wrong with me before I go blaming the world.
Am I not putting myself out there enough? I admit, I've only met one guy at school so far, and now he's a good friend of mine, but it's been a few months, and he's the only one. Should I be flirting more, searching more, doing whatever girls do? OR should I stay as I am, waiting on the guys to do it first?

--------------""Girls--------------
-----------are like apples------
-------on trees. The best ones-----
-----are at the top of the tree.-----
---The boys dont want to reach---
--for the good ones because they--
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong w/ them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right boy to
---- come along, the one who's-
----------- brave enough to-----
---------------climb all---------
---------------the way--------
--------------to the top--------
-------------of the tree.---------

Just for laughs

Living out of a suitcase

Hormones are mischevious things... They make you feel so many different things all at once... They make you want things you know you can't have just yet... They make you want to do something completely different, just for the heck of it. Because if you escape where you are right now, you have the false hope of doing something that will leave all problems, skeletons, any negativities whatsoever behind. Far behind, where no one you know will see them.

And I am so convinced that boys have these feelings, just as much as girls. And that leads to girls wondering what they did wrong, or what's wrong with them naturally, which leads to hormones taking over in every way.

Hormones have way too much power in my life. I think I give them that power by blaming everything I feel, every immature thing I do, every immature thing done to me on them. Instead of doing something about it, or just moving on and living each day fresh and new, I let hormones take the throne, and I just wait until they finally die and lose their reign.

All of this happens when I let it happen. Only then do I find myself in a PMS funk. The only alternative to giving in is to give it up. Giving up every single day to my God, and letting Him take care of me, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, are the only ways I can really know that I'm going to be okay. When I let hormones and feelings and problems become the biggest things I see, I forget to focus on the ENORMITY of who God is, and what He can do in my life.

I have a friend who goes from trend to trend in his life, who surfaces and resurfaces when things in each trend go wrong, and he always has an excuse to move on to the next thing in his life... something he believes will make him happy. He never has anything but excuses, and even those don't hide what is really going on in him from the ones who know him best. He never takes responsibility, and he never finishes anything he starts. He's always searching for that one thing he can stick with and graduate from, but he never stops to think that God might have something to say in the matter. When he's in the railway station of choices, he makes his own choice, and gets on the train he thinks is best for him, even if it's facing the wrong direction. And he only stops to talk to God when he gets bored on the ride, or when he needs to be just like everyone else around him. Then God lets him know he's on the wrong train, but he has to wait to get off at the next stop, leaving all the people, responsibilities, etc. behind. Only when he gets back to the original stop does he find that he can't do anything to change what he did, and he can't do anything to get back to where he was before. The cycle goes on and on... He never unpacks completely, never finds home.... on and on... living out of the same suitcase, wearing the same clothes, finding that wherever he goes, there he is.

I want to ask God what He wants from me before I take the wrong train. I don't have a suitcase big enough to take all of my junk with me, and I don't have the money for new clothes at each stop.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna

Aggies, and Babies, and Hair.... OH MY!

This week has been so amazing so far, and I only have better than perfect hopes for the rest of it.... The Lord has been teaching me so much, day by day, as He is so faithful and merciful and kind to me...
A few highlights:

1. A close friend has come to his senses about what his life is all about, and who he is, which is an answered prayer! I'm so very proud of him, and so happy that he's finally back!

2. The Lord has been revealing to me what it's really like to live day by day glorifying Him in everything I do and every decision I make... and it's really hard! But by the grace of God, my eyes and heart have been opened toward doing that, and not just saying that I should. His grace still daily tends to the mistakes I make, but it's so much of an adventure that I can't even describe it to you.... I know, that isn't like me at all!

3. Along with number 2, God has answered a huge prayer of mine about finding a cause or something I can put my whole heart and passion toward, in order to glorify Him with my life, because I didn't feel like I was doing that at all, and that it would be impossible for me to do right here and now. But it's amazing how God instills that passion in me, and then turns right around and shows me the path I can take that has been right in front of me all along. Focusing on the everyday helps me to grow and mature for the future. It's also given me new motivation to find opportunities I have to use my gifts for the people around me every day.

4. I got a sweet letter from my friend in Abilene, which made my day....

5. I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow... a whole new look... and then I'm going off to Billy Bob's to dance the night away with some great friends...

6. FALL BREAK starts this weekend, and my close aggie friend is coming home, which means TONS of fun, and a whole week off this next week!

7. I get to work in Comfort Zone again this Sunday... a normal thing that has become so much of a blessing to me these past four weeks...

8. How I Met Your Mother Season 2 comes out on DVD Tuesday, which means amazingness next weekend at a watch party my friends and I are setting up...


So, pretty much, life is going really really swimmingly right about now, and I'm so excited to see what God has in store for the future. I know times get pretty tough, but it's times like these that I live for. So, I feel like going and dancing in a beautiful meadow... wanna join me?
What's going on with you???

BABY DREW IS HERE!

Put To Good Use

So, the free hug day didn't work out, mostly because I realized going by myself would be more dangerous than helpful... But that made me question some things about my faith in God. I look back at what I could have done this weekend, even against the noise and warnings from my friends telling me it would be too dangerous, and I wonder if I just didn't have enough faith that God was telling me to do the job. I know that if God gives me a job to do, He will not only help me in times of trouble, but He'll also give me a way out when that trouble may come. So, I'm just wondering if I'm just too comfortable in this bubble I've found myself in this semester, and if I just don't remember what it is to break out of that comfort zone.

Part of me wants to just fly across the world tomorrow and do something dangerous, but impactful, and prove to myself that I can be in that place of faith again. This being in ministry has made it harder on my spiritual walk than I could have ever imagined, and I'm thankful for it because I'm growing. But as I was saying to one of my best friends last night, it's so much easier to forget about the heart of why you do something when you are surrounded by the ways you do it. I have to-do lists, schedules, books, studies, and so many other things that are filling my plate, and that aren't bad at all. Focusing on getting those things done, though, is a job so draining, that it makes me just want to blow off steam when I have free time. I lose a sense of living for my God in that free time that used to be there in every moment, because I feel like I've been working so hard for the rest of the 20 hours of the day. And that becomes draining, too, somehow.

I don't know if I'm making any sense at all of the feelings I have, but in a nutshell it all comes down to this. I feel like I'm not putting myself out there to be used by God in a big way, because I feel the need to be so focused on all the things on my plate, and somewhere in the midst of that, I lose the heart of it. I want some amazing, life-changing cause to come my way. An opportunity that is a wide open door that God has opened up for me to go through and experience Him in a lasting way. And I want to feel like I'm being used for good purpose that will make a difference in someone else's life, and not just in my own. I want to go somewhere where I know they need Jesus, and I want to tell them and show them and fall in love with that group of people. I want to be where they are, giving them the picture of God that so many have instilled in me because of their faithful service. And I know it's so ungrateful of me to be wanting something different from where I have been so graciously and lovingly placed for this season in my life, but it's just how I feel. I know I'm in the place that I am for a reason, and I'm so thankful for the people God has put in my life, because He has truly blessed me. I just want to be that kind of a blessing for others....

Okay, I think I'm done whining for now... :o) I'm off to do some homework before my next class! Hope I haven't bogged you down with all my ranting and such, and I hope you have a great day! Keep smiling. :o)

Free Hug Day 9/15/2007

In Korea...


I'll be doing this this Saturday afternoon in Dallas (exact location to be decided later). Join me if you want! Give me a call. You know the number.

Love, Dad

You were formed
By My hands.
No one knows you
Better than I.

Every freckle, each scar.
The smallest speckle of
Gold in your eyes.
I made them all.

I Am beautiful,
So why would I make
You ugly, stupid, or anything less than perfect?
You are My image.

Consider the lilies of the field.
They are all alike,
But you are unique and
Special to Me.

Not one is like you,
You are who you are.
No evil can come from
My hands.

You are
My flower,
My angel,
My princess,
My little girl.

Your smile brightens
the Sun in the morning.
Let it shine all the time
To others.

Let them know My love,
And all the while,
Know and believe that
Daddy loves you.

All my love,
Dad

For My Love

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you.
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you.

Gaze into my eyes,
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight.
Ask me for my love.

I want to hide
What's deep in my eyes
I'm scared to be known by you.
I want to turn my head
And see you there.
I want to be pursued.

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you'd fight
Thousands for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight.
Ask me for my love.

A dream I won't wake from;
A story that will never end.
The ground your feet walk on...
Let me be there.

~Bethany Dillon

Out of the Box

Another older one...

You know, this may be completely and totally useless, but I had this random thought today.
I was passing by the normal scenery, and I noticed something I've never seen before, even in the thousands of times I've passed it. I saw this Jack-In-The-Box sign at a random gas station, and I saw that the "o" and "x" of "box" are connected in such a way that they make the Jesus fish symbol that Christians are so proud of. And I realized,
Sometimes we need to think outside of the box to find God in the everyday things. It's not hard, but it takes a new level of thinking. You have to be aware of Him, and looking for Him. I think that's what it means when the Bible says, "seek and you shall find."
And lately, I've been finding God in the most peculiar of places. It's so weird to me that I can be looking for God in all the shallow places of my life, the obvious places to find Him working, and instead in the places where I think out of the box, I find Him everywhere. Wow.... So, in short, God never ceases to amaze me by humbling me. Everytime I think I have Him figured out, or that He may be done working with me for awhile, He shows up, mostly in the places where I need the most work, such as trusting Him to work in the mundane places of my life. It's so mind-blowing that in the little plans that I have that I think He wouldn't work in, He does, and it just makes me realize that I don't have His plans all figured out. He has so much more for me. I'm not just going to go to NLC, work at IBC, work at Saltgrass, go to Common Ground, apply to colleges, and then find a new place to live next fall... I'm going to be involved in many little things that maybe aren't so little in the big scheme of things, such as little girls in Xite Nite, new friends, resurfacing friendships.
But the main goal of it all, this whole life really, is to become that which He made me to be. To find myself, whom He made. And whatever He makes is good and perfect in its first nature, so really, I'm finding goodness.
So, an encouragement... sift through your heart and find some goodness. Examine the little things in your life that may or may not be mundane and find the goodness in it. When you drive down the street, look at the clouds while you wait at a traffic light. When you are stuck in traffic, think about the drivers around you and do a little people-watching. God is in the small stuff they say. And I say that not only that, but good is there too, because God is good. Good is God. Just try it once. It's pretty fun.
And don't forget to smile! :o)

My Girl

Another vintage post from my Facebook... just thought I would post it.

I was lying in my bed, half asleep from the day's exhaustion, thinking about the way my life will turn out. Or better yet, the way I would love for it to turn out. Two or three kids, two boys and a girl, an adorable husband with the softest brown hair and deepest blue eyes and the sweetest sense of humor, all of it mine. I could rejoice in the Lord for the great things He would have done for me, for what He would have given me. Then I feel the soft caress of a warm finger tracing the lines of my cheekbone as I lay my head against my pillow, the weight of a person sitting beside me on the bed. I open my sleepy eyes to see the most beautiful man watching me rest. He plays with the tendrils of my hair, wraps his fingers around mine, lifts my hand and kisses it softly as a prince would do for his princess.
"You know," he says, "you are truly beautiful when you are at such rest. I can tell what you were imagining. But I do have a question to ask you."
As I lift my head, he gently rests it back upon the downy pillow. What could he ask me that would ever make me uncomfortable? Just looking at him made me feel at peace. His deep blue eyes seemed to see right through me, looking straight into my soul and doing some repair work as he continued to speak.
"If I were to appear like this to you every night and every morning, would you want to spend more time with me? Would you love me more? Would you believe me more steadfastly when I say that I love you more than anything in my creation? You do know that those flowers in that field you pass every morning on the way to school is my bouquet for you, right? That sunrise that wakes you to each new day is only the beginning of the blessings I have in store for each day of your life. If I had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. I could not have made a more perfect being for your soul to reside in, not a more perfect soul to grow into for you. You will always have my beckoned call. I will always be at your side. I long to talk with you about your day, what you did, who you were with, about the deep desires of your heart that I placed there for a reason. You will always be my favorite thing to watch and delight in. You have some growing up to do, but you could never be more perfect to me than you are right now. And with age, comes more beauty. I have incredible plans for your life, but I do need you to believe me when I say that I do, because I know you like to take things into your own hands. But believe me, sweetie, I do. And I just know that you will be happy if you trust me to give you those blessings. It won't be easy all the time, but I'm always here. I'm forever right beside you to hold your hand when you're scared, lonely, tired, restless, anxious, whatever. And there are no better hands to hold.
But do you really need me to come to you like this? Physical form is just another expression of love for you that I have planned for another day. That day will be amazing, let me tell you now, but you are strong enough in heart to wait for that day. The companion you may want right now is not going to satisfy you like I have, do, and will. So, just trust me. All will be taken care of in due time. And for now, life is going to be a beautiful dance for us to waltz to, my girl. So, go back to sleep. Sweet dreams. I'll still be here when you wake up. I love you."
I woke up to find that no man was there, no trace of anyone ever being with me at all. But I knew in my heart that He would take care of me. I can trust Him to always look out for my best interest. And I can find Him in the little things that make everyday special. Oh what a wonderful Love I have.

I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet...

It may not be the way I would have chosen
But you lead me through a world that's not my home
And you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone....

Here Am I

I wrote this a while back, but it seems appropriate for life right now... it's just been coming up in conversation, so I thought I would post it. Hope you like it!

When was the last time you daydreamed about unicorns or being a rock star or winning the Olympic gold medal? When was the last time you were asked what you wanted to be when you grew up? Imagination. It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it? As kids, we could do anything we set our minds to. We could play with dolls and pretend about our futures as mommies, doctors, lawyers, or even the first female President of the United States. We could do anything we wanted in our imaginations. But as we got older, that innocence is lost somewhere along the way. Somewhere down the line, we forget about the big dreams. Even in our spiritual walks, we lose that innocence. When I get to teach fourth grade girls on Sunday mornings, I find myself standing in awe of their love for life, their spirit. They don’t let the hard things in life get them down. And, believe me, the trials really start early. Then I look at myself and wonder why I let so many things like college applications and stressful weeks take over my spirit and eat away at my joy. This past Sunday, our fourth grade girls’ class challenged my girls to encourage the adults around them to be strong and courageous in the Lord, and to use their imaginations. I believe I learned so much more from them than they did from me. In our youth group meeting later that day, the basics of the Bible were taught. Since our God is ultimately powerful over everything and can do whatever He wants, and since He loves us more than anything, then naturally He wants the best for us. So, why do we worry so much about the little stuff? What theologians call “child-like faith‿ is exactly what we need to learn once again! Having the simple faith that this amazing God loves us, no matter what, is enough to conquer our fears. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t doubt sometimes, because we all do. But that the Lord God Almighty is with us, so whom shall we fear? So, like Joshua, let us be strong and courageous, neither afraid nor discouraged (Joshua 1:9). Let’s use our imaginations to imagine the greatest thing God could use us to do in this world, and then let Him do His will for His glory. We are all like Isaiah in Isaiah 6. He was at the very throne of God, and was cleansed out of love. Seeing our Lord’s glory before his own eyes, he knew that God is everything and can do anything. So, let’s be like him and shout to the Lord, “Here am I! Send me!," because we know and believe in our hearts that He will use His beloved children to do His wonderful work-- the young, the old, the girls and the women. “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example in life, love, faith, and purity" (1 Timothy 4:12). We weren’t given a teenage Holy Spirit, let us use our imaginations and see what God sees because “all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

Dancing and Delighting

So, this week has been so full of drama... and if you know me well at all, you know how much I hate drama. And the thing is, I brought it all on myself really. It's incredible to me to think about the sheer amount of crap God puts up with in order to delight in me. This week has bruised me to the point that I am exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster it has been. I am tired and worn and eroded. I am pallid and empty as I type this, but He is truly amazing, and if there's one thing I've learned from this past week it's that He is the constant. He is the only constant in my life. Friends will come and go, relationships may or may not happen, happiness is a relative term, and God is the only constant among everything. He is my Rock, He is the only firm entity in my life, and He will never ever change. I fall more deeply in love with Him everytime I realize that. His is the romance of all romances. His dance is the masterpiece. His plans for me are unfailing in faithfulness and love and goodness. He has ridden me of all bitterness, He has given me a fresh new start, He has filled my days with moments I am blessed with in order to ultimately glorify Him. His plans for me started as an empty canvas, and every brushstroke and every color mixture is a planned portion of goodness He willingly and knowingly makes on that canvas. His artistry is unmatched, and His delight is in that artistry. He makes it unique, meaningful, purposeful, and beautiful. And He means every thing He says about and does to it. Who am I to come and try to fingerpaint all over it? Who am I to come and draw stick figures, trying to teach Him how to make it a masterpiece? When that thought finally crosses my mind, I am able to see the putrid horrors I have done to the work in progress, and can do nothing but fall to my knees at His work stool. I can do nothing but let the tears flow at the disappointment I know He must feel in me, because I know too well that it isn't my first time. In that very moment of self-loathing and shame, though, He lifts my chin and uses His apron and compassionate hands to wipe the tears from my face, He searches my eyes until they have met His, and reminds me of His never-ending delight. He lovingly uses my colors and mistakes to make an even brighter, bolder, more beautiful look about it. And I cannot imagine a more exquisite piece of art.I am so truly blessed, and I cannot imagine a better place for me to be in than right here. So, let His plans take over. Let Him have His way. He knows what is best, and He will bring it about in His oh so perfect timing. Whatever I know is true, I know it comes from Him, and only truth can set me free. "It is for freedom that He has set us free." So now I frolic, twirl, smile, sing and dance in the freedom that is a carefree life of love, lived out to please only Him.

Blessed is the man...

[whose] delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water

whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.