Elephants are too loud, and donkeys kick too hard.

Caution: This is a vent about politics... so either read it and get over it, or don't read it at all... :o)

I'm getting sick of it.
I'm not going to spill my personal politics, just my observations.

I can't stand that we let elections turn the otherwise most dignified people in the country into little children fighting over all the new toys they might get in November. Posting facebook "statuses" (stati) that exclaim your views, and shove it in the other party's face is arrogant and rude. I don't care if you're democrat, republican, or undecided... it's flat out offensive. The election is NOT a college football game, where fans can be as loud and obnoxious as they want about how much better their team is, just to have a game decide for them in four quarters and 3 hours. Elections like this one decide who the leader of the free world will be, who will get the nukes, who will decide what our lives will look like for atleast the next four years, if not eight. So, quit all the whining and debating, trying to change other people's minds. In the end, you're either yelling at people who are deaf to you (the other party), or at people who will then run the other way (the undecided). Guess what!?!?! He who yells louder doesn't WIN!
All that matters is what you personally think, and that should be kept to yourself. It's okay if you want to label yourself as Red or Blue. You're entitled to your own opinion. But there's a REASON why there are PRIVATE voting booths. There's a reason why there's anonymity with the votes themselves. Your opinion is NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS, when it comes to voting. You know why??? Because they are entitled to their own opinion, too. So, posting little comments that bring the other party down, or try to prove a point for your own party is just petty and stupid in my eyes. Doing all of that just makes the fight for the office that much more dirty.
Toward the end of these races, the debates end up on personal levels for the candidates- trying to make each other look bad in order to win votes. It's even more frustrating to me when party members, including some friends of mine, end up debating the same personal stuff, in lieu of the issues at hand: the war, gas prices, healthcare and education. We let all of that important stuff slide onto the backburners while we wail on each other about beliefs and morals and things that won't change on a personal level. Who cares if Obama doesn't wear a flag pin? Who gives a crap how old McCain is? All that really matters is what they are going to do with the four or eight years they are given to rule the country. And those little things we fight about don't mean anything for the future.
So, in all, please don't go debating anything until you've educated yourself on the candidates, their respective views on the issues, their plans to change the country, and their respective political histories. There's a LOT out there to be researched, and not just what CNN or FOX tells us to believe. Look it up for yourself. Make your own decision. Don't let the media rule what you think, just because they are right there in front of you. Figure out what YOU think about the IMPORTANT issues at hand, stuff that will change the future, and make your decision. Please don't base it on your morals or on what the candidates say theirs are. (FYI, I just found out last night through some research that McCain has had a few affairs in his past, one of which became his present wife... and Obama has some interesting skeletons in his closet, too). They're probably lying most of the time, because the only thing they want from us is our vote.
All they really need is for us to check their name on our ballot in order to get what they want. And usually, politicians who make it big are big fat liars. It's just a fact. And that's what's so funny to me! They let the media play little petty games with their personal lives in order to win our votes, most of which usually result from one or two media headlines, instead of any kind of research on the issues at hand. How sad is that? We're just little pawns in the big scheme of things. Unless we get past all the BS in the speeches, articles, and slogans, we'll never make wise decisions as a country. We are given a unique opportunity in this day and age. Never before has a country been so affluent in opportunities for further knowledge (internet, books, newspapers, historical records), but we let the media spoon feed us everything we THINK we need to know. And that same country has the chance to take whatever knowledge we come up with and CHOOSE for ourselves the leader we want. That's an amazing choice to have. Let's take advantage of it.
Just vote, and make the most of the opportunity. And meanwhile, don't be a two year old about it.

So nothing can contain me

Lately I've been reading this book that I definitely recommend to anyone wanting to fall more in love with Jesus... it's called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. So, some of this entry is inspired by what the Lord's been telling me through that book, and also just by His enormous presence in my mind recently.
The book helps outline those basic, fundamental truths about who God is, how unfathomably big He is, and how unbelievable it is to think that He shrinks Himself to be small for us on a daily basis. By saying that, I in no way am expressing that He can be contained or put into some box for us to tote around. No, indeed! Instead I mean that He, being so grand and big in nature, makes Himself approachable on a personal level with us, some comparatively small creatures He loves in such a big way. The only way a big God can.
There's a video you need to watch... so open a new window on your computer and just watch it: Go to www.crazylovebook.com, and click on videos. Find "The Awe Factor of God", and be amazed.... that's right... right now.
HOW SMALL ARE WE?!?!?! Pretty humbling, isn't it?
So, for God, in all His splendor, to love us in such a big way, is pretty dang unbelievable, right?
That's what I've been struggling with lately. I start my days with a quiet time, and a quick prayer... and I end my day with a chapter of the book and a longer, journaled prayer. But somewhere in between the beginning and the end, I forget Him. I forget my First Love. I am not conscious of His moment-by-moment presence in my life, and I have trouble living out my days trying to glorify Him in everything I do. It's so repeatedly brought to my attention every night: His great love for me, and how much I screw our relationship up every single day. How dare I come off as a God-loving and fearing Christian, someone who can so easily advise others to do His will, when I'm not even doing it myself? How dare I pray as if I love Him back, when I don't live like it? It's as if I come home and say I love Him so much every night, kiss Him on the cheek in the morning, and then go off and carry on an affair with my other "gods" all day long.
I feel so horrible about not loving Him back in the way He deserves. I do try, don't get me wrong. It's just mind-blowing to think that He comes and embraces me with such incredible grace and mercy, with the kind of love that can only pour out of His enormous heart, makes Himself approachable for me, and I keep pretending so much. He knows I do, too. I just can't wrap my mind around how BIG He is, and how SMALL I am, and how GREAT His love is for me, and how FEEBLE mine is for Him.
So, my heart is overflowing with praise for my Love... "O for a thousand tongues to sing my Redeemer's praise"
Here's the song my heart is crying out....

I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
So nothing can contain me.
I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
I want to burn for You
So the Earth will see Your glory.

Crimson to white... to Streets of Gold.

I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness, watch and pray.
Find in me thine all in all."
And now indeed I find
Thy pow'r and Thine alone
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone.
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete
"Jesus died my soul to save!"
My lips shall still repeat:

Jesus paid it all!
All to Him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain;
He washed it white as snow.

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson, perpetual tide.
Kneel down on the shore,
Be thirsty no more.
Go under and be purified.
Follow Christ to the holy mountain,
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the Fall.
Cleanse your heart and soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all.
On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that poured
From our blessed Savior's side

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night, you and me
Were atoned by His blood
And forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

Refreshment

Sometimes miracles happen in small moments.
A heart starts beating,
Eyes open,
Rain drops fall.
I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.
He's stilled my anxious mind,
Pulsed my numb heart.
Step by step He reminds me of
His unfailing love,
Neverending, unchanging, unadulterated;
Reckless abandon and fearless love.
He's not afraid of hurt,
So He keeps on loving unconditionally.
He's quietly and slowly filled me,
I've begun to overflow.
He lit a spark, and keeps piling on the firewood.
The small flame grows day by day.
Love beckons me day and night;
My delight is being found in Him.
I want to be like I once was,
But He'll take me to new places,
Over hills and down to the depths,
New frontiers to be chartered and explored.
Praise the Lord for His refreshing love!
Praise Him for a renewed spirit!
Praise Him for the rocky road to redemption.

Never let me go

I usually don’t do this, but I felt I needed to respond to the teachings God brought before me today by just writing it all out. So, I’m sorry if this is repetitive for some of you who went to the Crave service tonight, but I just had to do it.
The speaker tonight was on the subject of the warning signs of drifting away from God, in a passage in Hebrews. Let’s just say, I got the Jesus 2x4 tonight for the first time in a long time. The speaker asked us to think back to the best time we can think of in our walks with Jesus so far, a specific place in time when we were so on fire for Him that nothing could bring us away from that spiritual mountain top. Then he made us think of the people that surrounded us at that time, and the way we devoted our time to God and His will, and the other things we filled our date books with. What changed? When did we start descending the mountain?
I’m not saying that mountaintop experiences should be commonplace for everyday living, because I know as you should that most of our Christian lives are filled with the struggle of merging the two worlds we are a part of. But what was it that made me lose focus and start drifting. The speaker said that the Greek word used for drifting in the passage was also used for the ship captains bringing their ships to shore that didn’t pay attention and began drifting in the opposite direction, therefore losing time, money, and purpose. It’s incredible how you can look away for just a second and end up a thousand miles away from where you thought you were headed. It happened to me.
When I thought about the peak moment of my Christian life so far, I had to think of this moment on my mission trip to Chicago with SEMP my sophomore summer of high school. I was in the last worship service of the week, with thousands of others around, when I had this moment with God where I knew with all my heart, and I truly believed that He completes me above all else. Nothing else can fill the whole in my heart. I had already become a believer, but it was in that moment that I fell completely in love with Him.
I’m not in any way blaming anyone else in my past for causing me to drift from my Lord, and I do apologize for any lies, misgivings, or hypocrisies that I have said or given in the past in this area, even to my closest friends. But I think once I started dating my ex-boyfriend I became unfocused. I said I was focused, and I did things a focused person would do, but I let those things get in the way of what really should have been the heart of it all. I let my work for the kingdom get in the way of the King’s ruling my heart. I volunteered, worked, counseled, encouraged, etc, all without what should have been behind it.
And now I find myself after years of being so lost and not knowing where I was going, blind to any direction, still unsure.
It’s not that I am doing anything out of the ordinary or out of line with what the rest of the world would want from me, but I am just searching helplessly for security, something to hold me down and point me in the right direction, something to guide me and hold my hand through the storms in the sea of everyday life. And tonight I was blessed with a reminder.
“God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure…” Hebrews 6:18-19a
I have to get back to being that high school girl, afire with an anchored flame that gives me wings to soar for Him. He never lets go of me, even though I let go of Him so very often. Everytime I sing these lyrics, I fall more in love with Him:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low.
Oh no, You never let go.
Lord, you never let go of me!

Lord,
Help me to do whatever I do all in Your name, only in line with Your will. Please point me in the right direction and help me to stay on track. God, you know I’m as flawed as it gets, but remind me and help me to be more than just useless. You made me with a purpose, and I can’t wait to figure out what that is, but for now, I want to take one moment at a time, living with Your perfect will in mind. Lord, I can’t believe You’ve never let go of me. It’s too amazing to me. Thank You for bringing me back to my first Love. I want to fall only more and more in love with You as each day goes by, so help me to stay the course. Lord, I love you. Thank You, Father. Amen.

Change me, Lord

As I sit back and think about my daily life, I'm realizing how boring it's all become. I have no adventure anymore, it seems. There's no thrill, no fun. Hmmm...

The most recent change with me is my new job as a receptionist at a local hair salon, which is pretty boring so far. No joke. However, it is only my third day on the job tomorrow... so we'll see what happens.
I mostly hang out with my grandma, and my extended relatives, all of whom are over the age of 60. So, you can imagine what that's like. Although I must say, I have fallen out of my chair laughing with them on multiple occasions. :o) Our twice weekly domino games have become highlights in my week.
Then there's the most fun thing I have going, which is my involvement in Summergrove Baptist's middle school youth group, which is a real blessing for me. These girls are amazing, and they make my week every time I get to be with them. A couple have already opened up big time, and it's really just incredible to see what God's doing through the young people these days. Courage is in the meek.

But outside of that, I'm wondering why my life turned out this way. Not the whole moving here thing, but why I'm in this particular situation. I've always pictured myself working at a church ministry as an intern doing the Lord's work and serving Him alongside new people in my life. And I've seen myself as having more friends than the 2 I sparingly see, getting to know them, going out on the town, being crazy, you know. I'm also wondering whether I should have gotten so involved in a ministry so quickly without figuring out the church it's in first. I don't really get much out of the services there, and I can't be involved in the young singles group because of schedule conflicts with the youth group's stuff. So, I'm doing what I can with the youth group on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, but am not really fellowshipping with people my own age at all. And I really miss my home church and everyone there. I REALLY miss it.

So, I'm just crying out for some ADVENTURE here, Lord! I need to find that sweet spot! I want to be off the fence and into the game. What should I do, God? What do I need to change about myself in order to enjoy my life more? You alone can change me....

Landfills to Molehills

You know, I've been wondering lately... when are you too old to be a kid? I know the whole young at heart thing is true for everyone, but when does one get to be too old to wear converse... or wear pigtails... or just tshirts and jeans with holes everywhere???
When are you too old to act like you did in high school... do stupid things for stupid reasons and get into too much trouble???
When are you too old to be telling stupid jokes... acting silly around boys... staying up too late for no apparent reason???

I say all this because I've noticed something about myself... I try to act crazy and cool, but at the same time I'm trying to grow up too fast... or atleast that's what it feels like to me. I don't really know what it should be like to be nineteen, and I'm about to be twenty in July. Life is going by too fast for my comfort.
I long for the days when I could be irresponsibly crazy and just go for a ride on my bike whenever I felt like it. I miss the days when the only thing I wanted was a brand new toy advertised on TV, and not some money to pay off a traffic ticket. I want to be back in the day when Pogs were awesome and I got to play cops and robbers with my brother and neighbor all afternoon when my parents weren't home.
I feel like I'm missing out on a huge chunk of teenager-hood. Like I should be out with my friends all night, driving downtown, seeing movies and chilling at cafes with the people I really love.

But instead I'm worrying about financial crap, when this job is really going to kick in, when I will EVER have time to sleep without feeling guilty for losing hours of the day, where and when I will meet some good friends to hang out with and talk to around here. I'm worrying about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, how I'm going to appear to people, when this little stomach bulge is ever going to go away. I get on my own back about working out, getting in shape, becoming more outwardly beautiful. Then I realize....

Jesus is bigger than that. No matter how many things I pile up in front of myself, continually blocking out the goal of a successful life I have on my horizon, He is bigger than all of it. He can take care of all my worries and fears without even breaking a sweat. And what makes it all even better... He WANTS to. He LONGS to. It's a HUGE desire of His to take all my burdens and place them on His own shoulders, so that I might be able to put him in front of my pile of junk and solely focus on Him, how much He loves me, and how much I should be loving Him, instead of the crap I've loaded myself with everyday. It's like as I'm throwing more and more heavy worry and doubt and fear on my already heaping landfill of sin, He just steps in front of me, grabs my shovel, throws it aside and embraces me with His everlastingly comforting arms, as I nestle my head on His chest and breath in a deep peace that can only come from that kind of blessed assurance. When my head is snug there under His wing, I can't see my problems. I can no longer think on my worries. They are all there, but He comes between me and them. He won't let me pile on more if I just rest in Him and focus on His love. I'm not picking up the shovel if I'm in that embrace.
Praise Jesus. He never lets me go.

Selfish to a fault

It seems as if we're drifting apart, and I really don't think its my fault this time. I know, in the most humble of ways, that I can be selfless to a fault, and that I should take care of myself before others sometimes, but I feel like you're taking that kind of selfishness to a different level. I know you have enough time to listen to the smallest of details when you decide you have the time, but you never make it anymore. You don't make the effort, when you know I will drop everything and get there as soon as I can if you needed me. And it's not like I'm terribly lonely over here; I just miss you a lot. You're one of my few best friends, and I never ever hear from you. I understand that you are really busy, but if you have time to be driving to work, or driving to Wylie, or just hanging out doing nothing with Kristen, then you have time to be on the phone with me. It's just frustrating because I've heard you vent about other friends treating you exactly like this over and over again, and you know I'm one you can talk to because I never do that to you, or atleast I try my best. But it's like it's a blindness you have when your conveniences get taken away when you decide to be selfish. Now, don't get me wrong. You aren't this way at all most of the time... but when you make the conscious decision to put yourself first above someone else, it becomes a habit you can't control. It's MUCH easier serving yourself before others, otherwise it wouldn't be a sin to be conceited. And it's not a bad thing to make sure you are taken care of so that you can take care of others better. But as the other person, I feel left out in the cold. I haven't really gotten to talk to you in weeks. It just feels lonely. So, yeah. Do what you want with this, but just look at yourself first and figure out if you're taken care of yet. If you need more pampering, go for it. But seriously, I'm still here. I'm still in it. Don't think you've lost me because I'm never lost to you.
You know my number.

Lyrics that sing my heart

We who are called to be your people
Struggling sinners and thieves
We’re lifted up from the ashes
And out came the song of the redeemed
The song of the redeemed

Can You hear the sound of melodies
Oh the sound of melodies
Rising up to You
Rising up to You God
The sound of melodies
Oh the sound of melodies
Rising up to You
Rising up to You God

We have caught a revalation
That nothing can separate us from
The love we received through salvation
It fills your daughters and sons
Your daughters and Your sons

The sound of Your love
The sound of Your love
Is what You're hearing
The sound of Your sons
The sound of Your sons
You’ve won Your children

The sound of your love
The sound of your love
Is what You're hearing
Your daughters in love
Your daughters in love
You've won your children

The sound of melodies
Oh the sound of melodies
Rising up to You
Rising up to You God
Rising up to You God



Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

You know, I just don't know what to think about friendships anymore. I feel really weird about everything in that area because of everything that's happened lately.

I don't hear from anyone in Dallas anymore, aside from Josh, and it's really making me sad, since I know they never really see each other anymore. If I were to go back there, we would never hang out and if we did, it would be really awkward and all the conversation that night would be filled with drama. That's the last thing I want to happen. Yet I miss how it was last year when we all hung out all the time and had such good stuff going on. I miss all of them over there. And I never hear about what's happening in their lives. Sad.
Then I went on this ski trip with SummerGrove Baptist Church's youth group this past week, and I think I made a new guy friend, along with a few middle school girls I now love, and I'm just thinking that if I get involved in their 20s and 30s group at that church, I might meet more people to spend time with. However, I'm not sure I agree with some things at that church, so I think I need to start attending another church I know I agree with on Sunday mornings. But then I'm not sure I'm going to find that kind of fellowship. Crazy, I know. But it's okay. I'll be praying about it.

In wrapping up, I know I wouldn't be happy if I were still in Dallas, though I really miss IBC, like all the time. However, there's so much potential for happiness here with new friends, but I just don't know where or how I'm going to find them. And I'm convinced God isn't going to just send them to my front door saying, "Hi, my name is... and I would love to be your new best friend."

I just needed to put all that out there into the void. If you have comments, they would be appreciated, but not required. :o)

Stream of Consciousness

I feel free now.

I don't feel like going to Dallas anytime soon...
I don't really know why.

I miss my sister.
And my dog.

Green is a very prevalent color in my life. It's my default.

I get to go dress shopping tomorrow or sometime this week, and I feel like a princess when I do... so yay.

I love my dog, but I don't like it when she pisses me off. She's a puppy, so I need to get over it. She will all too soon be too old to care about anything.

I wrangled a calf today. Well, almost. I went to do just that, and then it started running too fast for me, and I fell in the mud. Then I felt like I was having a deja vu with something my dad would have done when he was younger... retro pants, shoes, and all. Needless to say, I never caught the calf. But I DID get a workout.

I have too much time and not enough friends who do also.

I do not have romantic feelings for anyone right now, though I do believe some do for me, and I really have no inclination to do anything about that part of my life for what sadly seems like a really long while ahead. I just need to focus on friendships right now and finding a church to plug into.

I've really let my relationship with Jesus go to pot these past few weeks, and it really sucks. I just begin to fall in love with Him all over again everytime I think about His CONSTANT love for me that will never pale. Praise Jesus. Draw me closer, Lord.

A LOT of hard feelings that have been burdening me for awhile now have come to closures tonight... and I'm pretty sure that a few new dramas are about to unfold just because these are over. So, wow.

Have I ever told you how much I HATE drama?

Jesus loves you, too, by the way.

I want to stop procrastinating SO much about little things... but right now, all I want to do all day tomorrow is lay in my bed with the fan on too high and watch my favorite movies and TV shows while getting random friendly text messages from people I miss.

Even though a friendship has hit a new place tonight, I have a sinking feeling that I won't hear from them again for a really long time. That's just the way he is sometimes, and I'm not a priority, so I understand. But it still sucks a little.

I feel very lime green, but I am getting sick of green, so I really want to be yellow, but I'm still lime green.

Do I make any sense?

I still want to be a professional singer, but I'm very sure I would never make it to being the next American Idol. Anyone wanna be in my newfound band? Maybe I should go get voice lessons again. I do miss them.

I should BE Kelly Clarkson right now.

I heart my sweatpants... and I can't wait to get my laundry done tomorrow and see what pants fit me and what pants are too big for me now. BTW... I've lost like 15 pounds... but celebrating that has probably made me gain it all back.

I still want to go out and buy some "goal" jeans. Like, that size I want to eventually fit into, and have a secure measurement of where I am on my journey to my ideal fit.

I am making a goal to work out three times a week. Thanks to that calf, I'm one-third of the way there this week. PRAY for me.

I really want this one pair of shoes, but I can't afford them.

I need a job in the worst way. Maybe I'll make friends there.

In my mind, in order to reach my ideal body image, I should probably go tanning, cut my hair (which should happen anyways), get my eyebrows and upper lip waxed, get a pedicure, grow my nails out, and stop breaking out all over my face.

Maybe I should just drink even more water than I already do.

All of this is truly running through my mind at the moment, and the best part is... Jesus loves me anyways.

The End of My World

I had the weirdest dream last night... President Bush and the President of Iran had gotten into a Bay of Pigs situation, and it was closing in on the "little red button" moment as I tried to figure out the best way to survive the situation, not knowing where exactly the bombs were aimed. Hundreds of lives laid in my hands since I was the only one with the knowledge of the life-or-death situation, and I had no idea what to do.... Needless to say, I woke up before ever dying, but I clearly remember getting all my feelings heard (and physically felt) about this one person in my life who really needs to hear what I have to say to him, though it may never get through his thick head.
But that's beside the point. I'm in the midst of planning this party for one of my best friends' birthday, and I'm realizing how addicted I am to stress. I've planned too many surprises to count in the past three weeks, all of which put some sort of stress on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I get really bored when I don't have something to plan, control, or manage. As laidback a person I think I am, I am utterly dependent upon stress to get me through the day. I'm uptight, and I hate being uptight.
Now, as you can tell, I have some serious control issues. And I find myself not trusting others with responsibilities that I feel would be done better if I did it myself. I've been burned in that way so many times before, it's too hard to count, and I've been that unreliable person many times in the past as well, so it's really hard for me to let go. It's really taken a toll on my spiritual walk with Jesus, since I have such a hard time letting go and letting Him take care of me.
There are so many obstacles that I feel would come in the way of me being completely free in Him. And they seem so very intimidating, though I know that letting Him take care of them would make them show themselves as small in comparison. I'm very fluent in giving advice and encouraging others in that way, but it's so much easier said than done. So, here I am... apologizing to all those to whom I have given that advice so flippantly. I don't blame you for not taking my words and doing anything with them, because I can tell you right now, I can't even motivate myself to do it.

So, I have noticed that whilst trying to control my life and the lives of others, I've lost control somewhere along the way. I'm not really sure what happened, but I'm almost going crazy. So, I would really appreciate your prayers and encouragements.... Thanks, friends, for reading and caring.
Let me know, too, how I might be praying for you! I hope your lives are awesome!

Limericks of the Wee Small Hours

1)
It's become a new kind of trend
One I hope will have a happy end
You play with her heart
And you tear it apart
And soon you'll be out of a friend.

2)
You like to think you are the best,
But if you look at all of the rest,
You'll all too soon see
That they just might be
Sick of your old, tired mess.

3)
You can be the best of the sweet,
But sometimes I think I might meet
Another one soon
Who would pull down the moon
To be there no matter the heat.

4)
You have turned out to be oh so blind,
Though you think you have all kinds of mind
To watch after him,
Though you can't change the wind,
And the end I'm so scared to find.

5)
You are way too young to be so worried
About making the future so hurried.
He's not in the same place
And there's not enough space
To keep all the flurry from hurting.



Life is so full of these feelings
That I can't stop from hitting the ceilings
So I stopped to write
I hope not contrite
That which leaves my mind always reeling.

My Celebrity Family

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family... but I had this dream that I had a family full of celebrities... It was awesome to say the least.

Grandma~ Julie Andrews
Other Grandma~ Carol Burnett
Mom~ Reba McEntire
Big Brother~ Johnny Depp
Big Sister~ Emma Thompson
Big Brother~ Gary Oldman
Little Sister~ Kelly Clarkson

:o)
Who is in yours?!?

More

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to me
And I want you to know
I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for me
Shine for me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for me

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

(the perfect Valentine)

Fairytale

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here
Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, i'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

Cause i don't care for you fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?
The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Cause i don't care for you fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that i should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight
But i don't want the next best thing
So i sing and hold my head down and i break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love

Cause i don't care for you fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing
I don't care
I don't care
Worry bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting
Spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb appreciation
But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending
Cause i don't want the next best thing
No no i don't want the next best thing

(my present love philosophy)

You're Gonna Be

6lbs and 9oz. lookin' up at me
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by and livin'

‘Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just know you'll have to live with all
the choices that you make
So make sure you're always givin' way
more than you're takin'

Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just what you are to me

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Always loved by me

~ Reba McEntire

(I miss my mom.)

Jessica on DETOX?!?! What is the world coming to???

Jessica: loves red meat, bread, fried things, potato chips, chocolate, milk, cheese, eggs, some fruits, some veggies, cokes, and is basically against all things healthy when it comes to food.... I say if you're going to eat it, you'd better enjoy it. :o)

Well, that Jessica is gone. Let me explain....

I've been reading this book called "Skinny Bitch" (forgive the title), and it's really inspired me to be looking at the things I eat and really take into account what goes into making those things, and what could happen to my body if I continue to eat them. Well, my friend, let me tell you... it wouldn't be pretty. I'm also taking a consumer nutrition course at school, so I'm thinking, maybe God's trying to tell me something. :o) And, of course, I don't want to die at age 42 with a weight problem because I didn't try to alter my diet for the better. :o)

Also, I'm going through some spiritual renewal in my walk with God, and it's becoming such a great growth, that I feel the need to use a catharsis to express physically what is going on in my heart. And I'm definitely not glorifying God with my eating habits at the present time, so that's another reason why I feel it's important that I do this. :o)

So, I'm eating all the food I just bought at the grocery store that wouldn't fit into this new diet, so that at least by Ash Wednesday I will be able to start completely over. I want to do a detox program first, to clean out what's already there, so I'm researching good programs to use and how much they cost and such. And I'll be using the Lent season to do the detox.... and if needed, more time than that. :o) Then I'm going to go green. "Organic", "soy", "whole grain", and "vegan" will be words I use often. And not just to describe someone else's diet... :o) Also, I will begin working out on a regular basis (Lord knows there's a lot of land to be run on here).

Thusly, I would LOVE it if you would please pray for me as I start off on this new trail filled with healthiness. I'm going to be weaning myself off the foods that can be eliminated this early in the game, and that includes cokes. That alone is a really serious prayer request. :o) This is going to be tough to fight temptation on, especially with my grandma's homemade cooking seeping into my oh so yearning nostrils. So, yes, please pray. And if you have any suggestions on good organic/vegan foods I can look into (keeping in mind my grocery choices are limited to Albertson's, WalMart, and Target here), I would LOVE some suggestions. Luckily, there is a health food store not five minutes from my house. So YAY!

God is good. And so are veggies. :o)

PS~ I miss every last one of you.

The Art of Living

I need more words
To describe my feelings
I need you to be here
To hold me and say it’s alright
The future is now
And I’m scared of growing
And getting too sure of
Where the character is going.
I’m not so sure of tomorrow
Or what it might bring
Because making something of worth
Is the art of living.
You’ve planted the seed
That I can look back on later
And laugh through the tears
Seeing the beauty that fate will cater.
The style of living
Isn’t the skill of each stroke of the brush
But what the picture means
When you step back and can’t touch.
I’m afraid of what I can’t do
And what I will do with what I can.
My flaws outnumber my gifts
And I wonder about the plan
That you might have for me
And what it includes
Because I’m more afraid
Of what the story exudes.
The tale is already written
And nothing can be erased.
So is it comedy or tragedy?
What ending will be placed?
How many chapters are there?
And will I fall in love?
The book is too high on the shelf.
Too many lofty thoughts from above.
Why can’t you tell me
What will happen tomorrow
And how to avoid
Any hurt, pain, or sorrow?
Will I ever find my delight
In the things I’m given by you?
Or will I just throw away
The masterpiece written so true?

Love doesn't have to be romance

Everywhere I go
You are there, and know
When I want to walk away
Part of me always wants to stay
When I get a hug from you
My grey skies turn the brightest blue
No matter what I feel
This photo in my mind won’t peel.
The image of you and me talking
Or just on the sidewalk walking
Just doing life together
And the rest is just whatever
Because we can be there for anything
And it will never be just a fling
Because we are in it for good
Whether friends or more, we would
Just be there no matter what
I can feel it in my deepest gut
Our shoulders are there to be cried on
And our laughs are what we can rely on
To make the days worthwhile
And to always make us smile
No matter what, I know you’ll pray
And if I need you, you will stay
Love doesn’t have to be romance
Because all of life is a dance
Love is always going to be there
And it follows me everywhere.

Mo' Smiles

i just realized how many "poor pitiful me" posts i've put up lately....

so this one is happy.

HAPPY!
:o)

JOY!
:o)

But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.
Psalm 68:3

7 steps to sanity

I've been figuring out a bunch of stuff about myself lately... and I've decided that it goes in a cycle. Or atleast there are a few steps to my intellect and the reasons behind why I'm so crazy/insane with emotions all the time. :o) I just like formulating all these analyzations of my mind and heart, because 1) it gives me something to think about and 2) I can finally figure out why I do the things I do and feel the ways I feel. I might need to change my major to psychology. :o)

1. I feel like I need a boyfriend to take care of me.... Or, better yet, I want a boyfriend so that I will have someone to take care of me.
2. That is because I have lost some footing on God taking care of me and being the only One I need. Ever.
3. This is because it's a daily struggle for me to keep a quiet time "date" with God on a daily basis, and sometimes I really don't keep my "dates" with Him for days at a time. I know everyone struggles with this at some point, but it frustrates me.
4. Thus, I am frustrated with myself, and therefore (since I'm not in the Word) focus on my physical and emotional flaws and question why I don't actually have a boyfriend, and therefore end up tearing my self-esteem to shreds.
5. Then, I get analytical and kind of depressed and write blogs about my insanity.
6. I then realize that the time and effort spent on writing said blogs could have been better used in praying and reading the Word, which would get me back on my God-dependent feet, walking confidently in Him, where I can actually give some honest and hopefully spiritually helpful and encouraging opinions/advice to people who may come talk to me about their problems.
7. This once again leads me to wanting a boyfriend to talk to about my problems. That is, outside of praying about them. :o) And that makes me feel lonely, which leads me back to step one.

The irony behind all of this is that, I know how to stop the train.... I just somehow don't. And this all usually happens about once a month. So, please don't think that it's everyday. :o)

I just realized tonight that I want someone to come and tuck me into bed, who loves me for all my insanity and more, and still wants to be around to give me a hug when the cycle starts all over again. But for now, I need to get back to sole-dependence on God and trying to glorify Him in all that I do. That makes Him more attractive, which leads to His light shining through me. And the one who has the Lord always on the brain can never call themselves lonely.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."~ Jesus.